Stalked by Facebook and Google Creeps

We wouldn’t put up with it in the physical world but put up with it in the virtual world.

The media have been full of stories and commentaries about such tech giants as Facebook and Google, regarding their impact on society and control of advertising dollars. I have my own story about them.

My story begins with a visit to a local public library to browse the stacks.

As I went from stack to stack and book to book, I noticed two creepy guys following me. From afar, one looked like an android in a faded tee; the other, like a wimpy computer geek. As they got closer, the first one began to morph into an avatar of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg; the second into an avatar of Sundar Pichai, the CEO of Alphabet, the parent company of Google.

Every time I looked at a book and put it back on the shelf, both of them quickly walked over to pull the book off the shelf, examine it, whisper something into their electronic gizmos, and put the book back on the shelf.

It shouldn’t have surprised me that they had branched into the physical world from the virtual world.  After all, they had become richer than some countries by spying digitally on their “customers” and then selling the information. The physical world would bring even greater riches.

Tired of being followed by the creeps, I left the library and drove to a nearby Barnes & Noble bookstore to browse without them looking over my shoulder. Unfortunately, the creeps followed me there.

Later, I met some buddies for lunch to talk about politics, sports, the stock market, and other interests. As soon as we sat down at a table, the Zuckerberg and Pichai lookalikes came in and sat at an adjoining table. During our ensuing conversation, we noticed that the two were leaning over to eavesdrop on us, just as the Stasi secret police in ill-fitting suits used to do in Communist East Germany.

After lunch, I drove home and told my wife what had happened. We then noticed that two Teslas bristling with antennas had parked in front of our house, and that the drivers were looking through binoculars pointed our way.

Angry over this latest intrusion of our privacy after being followed all day, I thought about grabbing an aluminum bat from the garage and bashing the car windows. Coming to my senses but still angry, I left the bat in the garage and walked outside to confront the two peeping Toms. Lo and behold, I discovered that they were the android and the geek.

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO SPYING ON US?”  I yelled at them.

The android responded like an automaton, “Because we want to bring the world together.” 

Demonstrating his artificial intelligence, the geek added, “Because we want to end world hunger, fossil fuels, and racial and gender disparities.”

“Don’t give me that corporate propaganda,” I said. “You just want to make billions by selling information to advertisers about our interests and the interests of billions of other people. You and your business model are unethical.”

Then I said that I was going to report them to the authorities because it’s against the law to stalk people, whether on-line or in person.

The Pichai lookalike giggled and said, “Google is more powerful than any government.” And the Zuckerberg lookalike gave a Meta smug smile and said, Facebook has personal dirt on every politician and government official.”

Realizing I was defeated, I turned around and went back into the house, where an alien from outer space with a shaved head and a striking resemblance to Jeff Bezos appeared on my telescreen (Model No. 1984). He empathized with me and promised that, unlike Facebook and Google, Amazon would never spy on me.

Meanwhile, back in the larger world, members of Congress have playacted in hearings about the likes of Facebook and Google, bureaucrats at the FTC and FCC have engaged in meaningless busy work, experts on the First Amendment have contradicted each other, and child psychologists who didn’t have a normal childhood have disagreed with each other about whether children spending four hours a day on social media is good or bad for them.

The geniuses don’t seem to understand that the root problem with the companies is the dubious ethics of their business model, a model that is based on stalking and spying. They miss the point that being surveilled in the virtual world is not ethically different from being surveilled in the real world. The way to curtail their power is to outlaw the spying, which would force the companies to find honest ways of making a profit—which in turn would bring transparency to user costs and prices, thus furthering market competition.

The companies have responded to criticism with platitudes about how their altruistic mission is to connect people in peace and harmony. Their employees, supposedly the best and brightest in the world, have bought into the corporate cult, deluding themselves into thinking that they are not only intellectual giants but also morally superior to everyone else, especially about social justice, diversity, and inclusion.

Apparently, the creeps never took an ethics class in college.