Former Senator, Vice President and the new President-Elect Joe Biden has called on America to stand for “civility and national healing.”
In a national address, the candidate squinted into the teleprompter and spread his signature chop gesture across the lectern.
“I am the only candidate who can interest the press in healing the fissures which divide America,” he mumbled through his surgical mask.
“After all the impeachment proceedings, the spying on the Trump campaign, the purchase of Russian disinformation, racial agitation, doxing of conservatives and widespread arson and rioting, I am the only one who can heal the nation, because I am the Democratic Party,” he stated.
“From the start of the Orange Man Administration, we have had to put up with chaos – the boycott of the inauguration, the pussy march, riots and the never-ending resistance. I will bring less chaos to the nation, as will my political allies – the militant feminists, Antifa and Black Lives Matter.”
“Trump was a clown, the worst President ever, Putin’s puppy”, he said. “The man was disrespectful to the office of the President.”
In terms of Presidential image, he invited the public just to look at the two families. “Look at his kids, and look and my kids, and I think that says it all.”
“If this were high school, I would like to take him out back and beat the crap out of him,” he stated. “I am sure you feel the same.”
“I’ve had just about enough of his insensitivity.”
Biden widened his charge by including Trump supporters, the ugly people, the deplorables, the smelly Walmart shoppers who are white nationalists and misogynists.
“Only by dividing the country into groups, racial and sexual through diversity training, can we bring society back together and heal the wound caused by division,” he intoned.
Biden further claimed that as a 47-year political operative he knows how to use the language of Washington that will neither offend the press nor inform the people.
“Platitudes are what the country needs right now.”
“C’mon man, getting peace and harmony between people is difficult enough without having a large percentage of the population who are the dregs of society.”
As to the suggestion by some Progressives that Trump supporters be put in political re-education camps, Mr. Biden says he was not in favor of that.
“Look, the public schools are already doing that but they crowded enough. Putting Trump supporters back in government schools would simply tilt the teacher to student ratio in an unfavorable direction and the teacher’s unions won’t like it.”
“Its impractical to deal with deplorables in this way”, he stated. “The re-education is best done by TV shows, movies and the social media monopolies.”
The putative new President concluded, “the only way forward to bring the country together is for those contrary opinions to be suppressed on-line, in the schools and universities and in the media. If we can get back to having one opinion in this country, like we did in the era of Cronkite, then divisions will disappear.”