Soon after the announcement that Major League Baseball has become an auxiliary to the Democrat Party, MLB Commissioner Manfred Pelosi announced new initiatives.
The following is an excerpt from a recent press conference held at league headquarters:
In our fight for social justice and since we adhere to the definition of social justice developed by the Democrat Party, MLB would like to make baseball more accessible to women and Blacks. To do this, we will have to make some alterations in both the rules and the traditions of the game that have been developed during the period of White Male hegemony.
Following recommendations from United Airlines, one of our corporate sponsors, and our new streaming partner, the Chinese Communist Party, we would like to make the following announcements.
As a goal over the next five years, we would like to make 50% of all new players either be Black, female, or Black female or those that identify as Black females.
Now, we know this rule might be abused by those translucent people that are not truly oppressed. Therefore, we will be using the ‘one drop rule’ utilized before in history. It is long established that this rule is the best way of determining ‘racial status’. Ergo, one drop of Caucasian blood makes a player hegemonistic and not of an oppressed class of players.
To reach the goal of equal outcomes (equity) in sports competition, in some cases we may have to change standards to get enough players. What is important for us all to know is that the social outcome of the game, not necessarily the game itself, is our primary concern. If we reach these goals, that is winning ladies and gentleman (sorry, don’t mean to be binary).
Henceforward, people of the correct gender and color will be given an opportunity to succeed. The expectation of equal treatment under the rules is an old and discarded concept. It is the achieved outcome, not equal treatment, that is important.
Baseball has been slow to change because of the rules of a previous era. We view these rules as “living”, subject to our interpretation based on the social situation that is evolving. Like we have with the U.S. Constitution, words mean what we deem them to mean.
For example, traditionally in baseball three strikes and you are you out. However, if you are a victim of white supremacy or masculine oppression, we will allow 5 strikes.
We know there will be some controversy about this, as we now know that math itself is a social construct. Therefore, the number of strikes will be determined by the batter. If she thinks she has taken 5 strikes, or 55 strikes, that will be up to the minority batter to determine. There is no right answer. The only thing correct about this is to achieve the desired social outcome.
This same math issue is present in scoring the game. Regardless of the runs scored, at the end of the game all sides will be winners and awards will be handed out to all player after all games. A ‘winner’ and ‘loser’ imply an unequal outcome, so henceforth these unfair labels are barred from the game.
Really, when you think of it, it boils down to how people feel at the end of the game, not the numerical score. A score kept in numbers is based on oppression.
Throwing overhand has always kept the number of women limited in the game. Throwing will henceforward be overhand or underhand, the preference determined by the minority player.
People who are not of color, the translucent who are male, will stay with the three strikes rule, and if a hegemonistic player is batting, he will be pitched overhand from the distance of 40 feet. Oppressed players will be pitched to from 40 feet with an underhand toss not to exceed 40 miles per hour.
The diamond will be reduced in size to accommodate those that are heavier, slower, or just more lethargic.
A Community Relations Committee will be used as the umpires, replacing the current sexists and largely male cadre. We will be defunding the umpires.
When an oppressed player strikes the ball, and if the ball is hit to a translucent hegemonistic player, the ball shall be held for a period of no less than three seconds, before a throw to a base player can be made. This will allow additional time for the player of color, a female player, or one who believes he is female, to make up for past injustice and therefore be on a more equal footing with a hegemonistic player. In the event of a dispute whether a player is safe or out, the base shall be awarded if the failure to reach base safely causes emotional trauma.
Safe and out are exclusive terms to be avoided. The terms safe and unsafe will now apply. There will be other changes in the rules as we experiment with this new game.
I know some tradition-bound fans will not like the idea of baseball changing from a game of excellence to a forum for social justice but we believe it is necessary to achieve our main goal, that is, to achieve equality of outcome and inclusivity for all members in our sports league.
Since we lost our antitrust exemption, we feel this will give our fans a chance to choose what kind of baseball they want to watch.
With the help of Coca-Cola, Nike, and the Disney corporations, we feel our organization will command a larger audience. Market studies tell us the majority of fans will do what they are told to by the media, so we have every confidence of success. Besides, our Chinese partners represent the future of the league.
For the cranky remnant that may not like these changes, we suggest you remember that all human endeavors evolve and the priority today is defined by who we are, social justice warriors, er, I mean advisors.
For those clinging to their guns, bibles, gold and baseball memories, competition among biological males of the translucent race can best be found in the forty states that seceded from the previous political union. Good luck getting over the wall.